But, What if I Make a Mistake?

Well, I finally did it. I have wanted to start a blog for quite a while, but was rather apprehensive about making the commitment. You might ask, "Why?" The truth is, I have always been something of a big chicken about sticking my neck out and doing new things. I tend to over-analyze and try to think of every worst case scenario that might happen. Thoughts go through my mind like, "What if I say something that offends someone?" or "What if someone takes what I say the wrong way?" Maybe it's self-esteem issues or lack of confidence or maybe being too overly critical of myself, but one thing is certain...over the years, the apprehension has cost me several opportunities and a lot of great ideas never got to see fruition.

My tendency to worry about making mistakes carries over into my work as a registered nurse too. Now, I'll be the first to tell you that one thing of which I am very proud, is that I am a very good nurse. I love nursing almost as much as being a preacher's wife and if you are my patient for a twelve hour shift, I am going to be your advocate and do everything I can to make sure your needs are met during my shift. I believe clinically, that I am a very strong member of our Surgical Intensive Care team. I am great at starting IVs, and lots of other procedures but there are certain situations that cause me apprehension and thankfully, I have a wonderful team of nurse coworkers that fall right in there to help if a difficult situation arises.

One situation that causes me the most stress, is if we have a cardiac arrest or code blue on our unit. Now, when Mark and I worked as First Responders in Atwood, Tennessee, it didn't stress me near as much to work a cardiac arrest in some one's home because our mission was simple...establish an airway and perform effective chest compressions until EMS could arrive. The portable defibrillators that we carried would literally walk you through a code and tell you what to do.In the unit however, it is an entirely different scenario. You have to analyze the rhythm on the monitor, choose whether to shock or not shock. A team has to be called to intubate the patient to establish an airway. Doctors have to quickly be notified so they can come to the code or give you further instructions. We, as nurses, have Advanced Cardiac Life Support certification so we have to recall our training so that we know when and how much to give of cardiac drugs like Epinephrine, Atropine, etc. During this whole event, the patient may be going in and out of  lethal rhythms on the monitor and we are constantly evaluating and treating according to how the patient is adjusting to our interventions. It's a very chaotic time with excellent help coming from all over the hospital. However, with strong help comes strong personalities. If I am that patient's nurse, I have to be willing to step in and advocate for that patient and protect them and make sure everything is being done appropriately and to their best interest and that their desires and wishes are respected.

Performing chest compressions doesn't bother me, keeping an airway for the patient doesn't bother me. The physical parts of performing CPR are no stress at all to me. The part of a cardiac arrest that bothers me most is trying to remember all those cardiac drugs and making a decision on when to use them based on what I see on the patient's monitor. Now, I know we are all a team working together and what is one person's weakness is another person's strength, it still frustrates me to no end to have that "deer caught in the headlights" feeling when a code blue takes place. I wish I could tell you that I was a nurse who knew just exactly what to do every time.The other nurses always appear to know just exactly what to do. A voice in my head says, "What if I make a mistake?" or "What if I look stupid?"  and it paralyzes me and keeps me on the periphery of the code scene watching instead of just jumping in and doing the best I can. Please don't misunderstand, I do get involved with the code, but not to the level I would like. I want to be confident enough to be in the thick off it and calling the shots, not because I want the attention, but because I would really have the knowledge and expertise to run a code.Instead, I usually record the events of the code such as rhythms and medications given, or run to get supplies, care for the family, etc. Those things are all good too, but my fear of making a mistake, or being too slow, or appearing inept keeps me frozen in the same job.

The truth of the matter is, the only way I am going to getting more comfortable working a code blue is if I continue to place myself in the uncomfortable situation over and over until slowly, the fear dissipates somewhat. I also have to accept that mistakes may be made and sometimes I may receive unwarranted criticism, but what matters most is I did my best and stepped in to help at a time when someone needed help the most. The nurses that work the codes looking so experienced and cool probably don't know any more than me...they have just learned to get in there and just do what they can rather than nothing at all.

You know, this same idea that applies to helping save a person's physical life also applies to saving a spiritual life. Sometimes we are frozen in place with fear and doubts about our own personal soul winning capabilities and do nothing. We hear that voice in our head saying, "I don't know where to start!" or "How do I respond to that question?" or even, "What if they think I'm stupid for bringing up the subject?"

I have trouble in a code blue remembering dosages of cardiac drugs, what joules to charge the defibrillator at  for the first shock,or where the medications are located in the crash cart. Do you know what will change that? Me taking time to refresh myself often on these matters and forcing myself to take a more active part in a code...to be okay with knowing I don't know everything at that very moment.To be willing to turn to others for help without feeling foolish or weak.

The same principle of studying and preparing to try to save a physical life, can also help me to try to save a spiritual life. Just like I need to get in the middle of a code blue to learn to feel more confident in my abilities, I have to put myself in a situation that may be uncomfortable by teaching what I have learned  to someone who needs to hear the Gospel. Just as I worry appearing inept while working a code,I have to take the risk of appearing to be a "religious nut" by asking someone for a Bible study. I have to accept that I probably won't answer all questions perfectly or as well as others might. I have to remember the question, "What if everyone else were like me...too afraid of making a mistake?"

2 Timothy 2:15, a verse very familiar to everyone says, "Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of God." Just like my taking more time to study my ACLS algorithms prepares me to respond to a code blue, taking more time for effective Bible study will increase my confidence in teaching others the plan of salvation. As a nurse, I have to have the knowledge to be prepared to administer the correct medication or action whenever I see the a lethal cardiac rhythm on the monitor. As a christian, 1 Peter 3:15 says,"But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts, and always be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks you for a reason of the hope that is in you, with meekness and fear;"

Not every person we perform CPR on survives, in spite of near perfect execution of every ACLS guideline. We do the best we can, knowing that it is most certainly better than having done nothing at all.

Not every person to whom we teach the Gospel will respond...but some will. When a person fails to respond to CPR the effect is finite...nothing more can be done. The beauty of the Gospel is that it never returns void. A person may not respond at that moment, but as long as they are alive there is hope for the future.Isaiah 55:11 says, "So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return unto Me void, But it shall accomplish what I please, And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it."

Oddly enough, it is once again time for me to renew my Advanced Cardiac Life Support (ACLS) certification. We do this every two years by reviewing and learning any new changes or advancements that have been made in CPR, and once again, we recommit all those drugs and algorithms to memory. This time, I plan to study and learn more fervently than I ever so I can become a stronger nurse and eliminate the fear and stress of working a code blue.

Most importantly however, EVERDAY is an opportunity to study my Bible and renew my commitment to living a Christian life and teaching others how to do the same.

They say "Knowledge is power." I plan to put that saying to the test. Maybe it will give me just enough strength to squash that small voice in my head that says, "What if I make a mistake?" Maybe I'll be strong enough to answer back, "So what if you do? Doing something is better than doing nothing!"

Thanks for reading!
Marlene